Friday, August 10, 2018

where I am now

Friday, August 10, 2018
It's currently august 9th 00.34 am. Three days after I turned 22, another milestone reached in my life. (warning these are midnight rambles, it's really long and I go all over the place but .. I feel it's a good message)

I started journaling about my life, thoughts and sturgles when I turned 16. That's when my head became all cloudy, I felt so lost and trapped in this big world and needed to find a space where I could connect with something and was able to tell my thoughts without being judged or misunderstood. Five years later I still feel the need to do this sometimes. But lately I have felt someting change. It ins't this need to write down all these negative feelings of being lost, depressed, lonely, ugly, wrong and insecure. Instead I feel the need to write about how I love my life, how I have grown. I am writing so I have something to look back at when I am older and smile.

When I was 16 I started questioning myself. I became obsessed with the way I looked because in my eyes looks solved everything. I saw myself huge and as I've shared on here before some pretty unhalthy eating habbits and BBD resulted from that. During that time I got up every morning, got dressed in outfits I thought were the shit at that time, cycled to school, had classes in the morning and art classes in the afternoon, I laughed so hard, had the most amazing friends someone could wish for, I had a good social life, I was popular enough, I had a good realtionship with my family and I had hobby's. Absolutely nothing was wrong in my life. If someone was following me around with a camera and filming it all, nobody would see a reason to be unhappy, cause I had it all. And yet here I was, so miserable and unhappy with who I was and the worst thing was I didn't know how to fix it. All I could do was fix my appearance. I skipped meals, but nobody ever catched on. I started crying in public, but nobody ever saw. I brought up depression in conversations, but nobody heard that I was hinting at me. And how should they have? I was a happy teenager and everyting was perfect. So here was a highschooler who had nothing to be sad about, being sad about fucking everything. I was just disgusted by my fat. I was so so so fat. And it stemes so logic to me that my fat being gone would make my unhappy feelings disappear, just like that. That's just how it works. 

The thing is, something inside of me knew that what I was doing all these years and feeling was so wrong, but I always pictured the end result. And in my eyes the pain I had to go through mentally was so worth it for how good I'd look at the end, those looks would result in me figuring out my life, and finally make me happy.

I knew what I was doing was wrong so I wrote it all down. I wrote how I was feeling, how I wanted to get help, how I was scared for help, how I could never see myself live another kind of life. I shared it all with myself. But once I closed that book, all those thougts seemed to vanish and I'd forget I ever wanted this to stop and I'd just continiue to live like this. 

The thing is, when you're unhappy and there isn't really anything to be unhappy about and nobody in your life catches on, like literally nobody. It's hard to bring it up. Imagine me just sitting with my mom at night and attacking her out of the blue with an "hey I am fucking miserable and I want to be 40 kg maybe I should get some help you know!" that's just not something I was capable of doing, so I waited for someone else to bring it up. 

At nineteen I decided to fix my problems, I was to scared to share my thoughts so my only solution was to get rid of the problem all by myself. I turned vegan. And this is where my whole life made a 360. It happend so fast, but now looking back at these past three years. It actually all happend so slow. I changed my eating habits overnight. I never felt guilty anylore after eating. I still felt fat but I didn't act in an uhealthy way to get rid of it. I ate three times a day, big portions and felt good. Did I feel genuinly happy within myself yet? No. I felt happy, I was doing something good for the planet, humans and myself. I felt passionate about something else than my appearence. All my energy had gone thowards me all these years and it felt so good to finally put energy into somethinge else. I felt fulfilled and not lost for the first time. 

I really thought I was happy at this point in my life. I opened up to my mom and friends over time about how I struggled in highschool and everybody was so loving and understanding. This really did a lot for me and chanced me for the better. Keeping your emotions inside you is never beneficial, they will eventually become to much and youl'll explode. I used to snap at people for the smallest thing s just because I was so frustrated with this sadness and nobody saw it. Everything inside my body was screaming for help but nobody could hear it, so I sarted screaming at everything for no reason.

At this point in my life I still was not sure who I was and what I wanted from life. Looking back, nineteen is such a normal age to feel lost and confused. You need to start making desicions that will affect your future, when you're really just only a child and don't know what you want. At that time I didn't know how to cope with all these feelings. I stopped my studies cause they felt wrong. I knew I didn't want to be a nurse so quit. But I didn't know what I wanted instead. I took a gap year to do this one year course to become a graphic designer. I finished that, now I am graphic designer. As much as I enjoyed that course, it just didn't feel right once again. I stumbled across this bachelors degree called occupational therapy, and for the first time it all felt right. It was a combiination betwween taking care of people and art. The two things I feel passionate about.

I am twenty years old and here I am on my first day in Geel a city I don't know and don't feel ready about spending 3 years of my life in. Boring doesn't even begin to describe it. I am finally starting college.

Unexpectatly I found this great group of friends that I love so much and we had some of the most hilarious nights together that I'll never forget. I loved what I was learning in class and really saw myself do this in the future when I am all grown up with my 5 cats and 3 dogs you know. For the first time in all these years I felt happy. I felt like I was normal. I didn't think about my food, weight or appereance. I loved going to school. I forgot all my troubles. Life was good.

But me having all these learning dissabilities, dyslexie, dyscalculia and I am 99% sure I have some ADD cause this girl zones out every ten seconds, once again came creeping back up at me. I tried, I really tried. But it was like walking on ice. I tried to stand up but I just lost all control and started slipping all over the place, and no matter how hard I kept trying, I fell straight on my bum, I fell hard. In college you have to study all the time or you won't make it. I passed my first year without studying but my second year failed miserable. And it's not that I don't want to study, I want to be a good student. Nothing would make me more happy. It's more that something in my brain isn't fuctioning properly like the majority and I just can't do it. I am not made for books.

And this is actually the point of this whole ramble. I got my exam results back end June, I saw I failed everything. And.. I didn't fall into this black hole I'd normally fall into. I stayed strong and happy. It didn't feel like the end of the world. I didn't try to cope in unhealhy ways. And this was the first time I noticed how much I've changed. I am happy. I never seeked professional help but I am thinking about it, just so I can really close my passed chapter. I am ready to move on and be content with the life I've been given. Even though it's not going easy. I've had my fair share of bumps along the way. And I am still stuck in a bump, but it feels like with a little effort it's super easy to get out and live a good life.

I am 22 and in a month I will stat college all over again, back to my first year. A new course, art teacher and culture. I know for a fact if this was two years ago I'd have cried, and be so depressed.  Because if it was my choice I would without a doubt choose to be an occupational therapist and go to my last year in college so I graduate next June. But it's not how things turned out, and I have no control over it. Could I have studies every night to get good grades? Yes I could have, but I had two years the chance to do it, and I never did it. For me that's a sign. Now I am ready to take accept that this is my life. I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. Even if it sucks really really hard.

So I am stressed out for sure about all this. But also excited. For the first time I am excited to go to school. I am ready for this. I haven't felt ready for sometihng in so many years. Someething in me always knew I had to do sometihng creative in my life, but you know I wanted that stable income. And finally accepting that that's not all that matters and I can do sometihng I love feels pretty amazing.

I feel confident in who I am, I feel like a strong person. I travel alone. I dress how I want. I eat how I want. I act true to who I am with everybody. These are all things I never did in my teenage years. I was incecure about who I was. And feeling content is the best feeling in the world, it can affect a person in so many aspects.

I read the last pages of my diary last night. All I had written down was how happy I am. And if I wrote something sad, I saw a solution. I still grab it to write down my thoughts, but my thoughts arent dark anymore and I actually have this book now to share my joy.

It took me four years to get from I want to be happy I am chancing my life to actually being happy. Change doesn't happen overnight. If you are someone who is feeling lost, remember one day you will find what makes you happy and feel like it all makes sense. Never give up hope. It's true what they say about you only being really you in your twenties. Teenage years are messy with all those hormones and I finally realize that now. 

I am genuinely happy within myself, with who I am and what I am doing on this planet. I feel a reason to be here.


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