Wednesday, July 26, 2017

Me at 20 - for my future self

Wednesday, July 26, 2017
In one week I will be 21. Fuck.. that's old. Like act like a real adult old, be responsible, be independent, know your shit old. And here I am in my first year at college, still trying to figure out what I want in life. I am running a little bit behind on schedule compared to my other peers. Normally I would have graduated this year, started to work as a nurse in a hosital or retirement home.. But I chose another path. If this was wise? I still worry about that myself from time to time, but I know I quitted that course for a reason. So it must have been the right decision. I think that has been the toughest thing about growing up for me. Making decisions. I am the worst at it, constantly doubting myself. Not knowing what I want in life, where I see myself 10 in years, and definitely not knowing how I will get to my dreams. I always thought when you grow up you would naturally figure everything out. Everybody that was a grown up had their shit together, so I thought it just came with the age. I think different now. It's something that comes with you as a person. I am just not the type that figures her life out. And I think I am fine with that. 20 going on 21 and still lost in this world. Yep that's me. My life is not how I imagined it would be like at this age. But this is what it is, and that is probably how it was meant to be. So here I take a moment to reflect on my life how it is now. And not dreaming about how I wish it was.

So who I am I at 20 years old? This post is mostly for me to look back at when I am older and feel all nostalgic. I am a very nostalgic person who loves looking back at great memories. I find it very hard that time just ticks by knowing one day it will be over. Time moving forward is so scary sometimes.

So here's a list with things that make me the person I am at this age
1. I bleached my hair, not much, but you can definitely see the difference with last year. I just felt like that suited my face better and made me light up a bit more.
2. I hate my boobs (TMI but who cares haha). 
3. I still hate my body image and suffer with eating problems. Probably because I am bigger than I used to be, and I am still getting used to my reflection in the mirror every day. It has gotten a lot better this year. I became more vocal about them online and with my mom. This helped me so much. 
4. I don't paint much anymore. School consumes all my time.. and inspiration has been lost for some time now. I do other things. Like creative writing, I just started trying it and love the new challenge.
5. After doubting for ages (what's new?) I started to study occupational therapy, I love it so much. But it's so hard. And there isn't a day where I think about quitting (like right this second..).
6. Cycling is my new big passion.
7. I am not so socially awkward anymore, more outgoing and more open about the thought off meeting new people. It's still scary, and I don't really meet new people often. But when I do, I don't mind opening my mouth. It's a start.
8. I found out who my real friends are and can't imagine living a day without them.
9. I find out more and more every day how different I am than the rest of my family.
10. I LOVE hummus, chocolate with quinoa, salt chips, guacamole and paprika burgers. 
11. Pajamas are my daily attire, comfort over style always. Not saying I don't believe you can't be stylish and comfortable at the same time, that's what I am striving for. But I have been a little lost this year fashion wise.
12. I made the decision that I don't want to be a materialistic person and would choose being able to travel over everything so that has been my main focus this year. Saving up so I can see the world. I am starting to throw stuff away, I would have never been able to do this a year ago.
13. Love is just not my thing. Not good at it, don't really need it. 
14. Bellerose is my favorite clothing brand.
15. I have been obsessed with broadway musicals like Hedwig and the angry inch, Hamilton and The book of mormon. Not film musicals, they are cringe to watch, I mean live musicals. It's a guilty pleasure.
16. Youtube and TV series consume most of my time.
17. I don't really like being to social. Sitting alone in my room can make me very happy.
18. I still struggle with hormonal acne, and can't seem to figure out how to control it for longer than a month.
19. I stopped wearing make-up as much.
20. Harry styles, how embarrassing it is to admit, is very handsome. Very handsome.
21. Blue is my favorite color to wear. Or bright orange, that color always makes me feel 10x more happy.
22. Disposable camera's are the best thing invented.
23. The catcher in the rye is my favorite book.
24. Sometimes I feel like starting my life over again.
25. I feel depressed way more than I am willing to admit.
26. I have walked around this entire year with glasses that aren't strong enough and therefore being blind 90% of the time...
27. I am scared I won't reach my goals and time is passing way to fast.
28. I don't go outside enough.
29. I still don't know how to do my own washing..
30. My freckles have changed in a way, I can't quite figure out yet how.


Thursday, July 06, 2017

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