Sunday, May 29, 2016

Self love and acceptance

Sunday, May 29, 2016
After Reading Ella Grace blog post about self-love, I felt inspired to write about my own experience with self love and accepting who you are as a woman. She Talked mostly about loving your hair on your body and not caring about what the boys have to say about that. I more want to talk about body dysmorphia and the never-ending comparing your appearance or withother (girls). Accepting myself is something I have struggled with ever since I can remember but is something tat was more pronounced during my teenage years, the years my body started changing and I had no idea what the hell was happening, but I knew I did not like it.

I don’t remember a time in my life where I didn’t worry about the way I looked. Let’s take a walk down memory lane. When I was a toddler my parents and I started noticing I didn’t gain weight, like at all. I was a walking skeleton. And nobody I knew looked like that, at all.  I felt so different. Boys and girls made fun of me. I never thought I was pretty. Because I wasn’t just the skeleton girl I also was the tallest girl. Even taller than the boys.. Finding clothes was very hard and I just wanted to have some curves like all the other girls. Especially when we went swimming with school. I felt embarrassed and uncomfortable.
This kept going until I was 15, I ate whatever I wanted. Wore a size 00 and had no boobs. Boys didn’t find that very attractive, at least that’s what I thought. Why do they teach us in society that boys only like girls with perfect big boobs and butts, and who gets to decide what is perfect?
I was 17 and I had weight the same for a while now and was very happy that I finally gained some weight and looked “normal”. But still underweight… But I ate so I was healthy. But then I started gaining weight and I didn’t know what was happening. I gained 3 kilos. Which isn’t that much for someone who is underweight. But I wanted to loose it, and I started my first diet. I didn’t work. My body obviously needed it, so it would hold on to the weight. By the end of high school I had enough and thought the only way was to starve myself, otherwise I would never loose the weight. So I ate 200 kcal a day. But if you know me, I eat A LOT, I eat 3X the size other girls I know eat. I am just always hungry. So I felt death after doing this for 2 weeks. And started binging. But eventually I was able to loose 6 kilo in 2 months which isn’t a lot but I was technically already underweight so for me that was a lot.. Than I was hungry again and started eating so much on holiday with my friends. I couldn’t stop. And I kept eating for the next months. Just eat, and eat and eat even more. I gained even more weight than I was before this all started. I felt so disgusted, gross, and fat. I felt like I was a failure. Why couldn’t I starve myself like other girls? Why didn’t I had the perseverance? I started comparing myself with the way I looked when I was 13, other girls and models. I wanted to turn back time and do everything different. I didn’t love my body anymore. Before I felt ashamed because people would make fun of me because I was thin. But I was still able to love my body. But this time I hated my body. I didn’t recognize myself. I was unhealthy obsessed with comparing. Comparing to other girls. Comparing with my younger self and  obsessed with non stop looking in the mirror. Every mirror I would walk by I would lift up my shirt and look at my stomach, at how fat it was. How it wasn’t like these other girls.
And then there was acne. (which I still have, but I feel like it’s healing) I piled on the make-up, it only made it worse. And because nobody was allowed to see I had imperfections I would rather wear lots of make-up and make the acne only worse, instead of just not care about what people think of me and go weeks without make-up and heal it. I still wear every day make- up.. I just can’t go out and not care. Because we are taught that we need to care about others opinion. We see perfect people everywhere. Embracing your natural flaws is so hard when you fel like everybody around covers them up as well.
I had stretch marks. I never had these before because my weight had never really changed before that much, and I always thought you practically had to be obese to get these. I had such a wrong image of what it was to be a woman. I thought nobody had a scar or mark on their body. But this can’t be more from the truth. Everyone goes through so many changes in their puberty. And we can’t control these things. My metabolism slowed down. There was nothing I could have done about that. It happens in puberty. But at the point it happened I just thought I was getting fat. And never for a second I thought it was me hitting puberty and getting curvy. My boobs grew, my hips got wider and I got a butt. It was scary. But now when I think about it. I became a woman, and wasn’t a child anymore. The fact that I still wanted to be a size 0, wasn’t realistic. I didn’t had a healthy image about the woman’s body. I didn’t love what I had given, and definitely didn’t treat it right.
We are influenced 24/7 with images that show us how a woman looks like. It’s important to  keep remembering  that everybody is different. Not everybody is made to walk the catwalk. and that’s fine. Beauty can’t be defined with our size or the way we look, or the way society has chosen it looks like. Beauty is so much more. To begin it’s loving yourself, loving your outside as much as you love your inside. It’s treating your body with love and the right foods. It’s not caring about the opinions of others.
I didn’t really write this post to show the world I had a very unhealthy relation with food and had/have body dysmorphia, I wrote this to show that so many girls and boys suffer with this problem. And it’s important to know you are not alone.
I have been vegan for over 6 months and my relation with food has completely changed. I eat how much I want. I can look in the mirror and love what I see. Some days I still don’t like what I see and fell 10 kilos heavier than I actually am, but hey that’s life. And we all have those down days.
Since Ella has started an experiment to not shave for 3 months. I also wanted to set myself a challenge, something I was thinking about doing even before reading her post; I am not going to wear make up starting the 26th March, and keep it of for at least one month, and hopefully a long time after that. It will be a refreshing challenge and see how much it actually bothers me to go outside with my normally very red face. I am excited and scared at the same time. I will keep you updated.
I want to end this post with a question I want you to ask yourself. Do you really love yourself? Or aren’t you happy with yourself as well? And what can you do about it? Do you feel society teaches us as woman we all have to look the same way to be defined as pretty? Maybe talk about it or write it down in a journal. It can feel amazing to share it in some way, it can also mean closure. For me writing this feels a little like that. There are so many girls and boys out there who suffer with the same thing. Maybe your closest friends. And you had no idea. Maybe not the exact same problem but it’s always nice if you feel like you can share your troubles and insecurities with your friends. I never talked and still regret it.

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