where I am now

It's currently august 9th 00.34 am. Three days after I turned 22, another milestone reached in my life. (warning these are midnight rambles, it's really long and I go all over the place but .. I feel it's a good message)

I solo traveled to Italy for 3 weeks and here is what happened

In April I decided I wanted to go an an adventure with my bike. I've been cycling now for about 2 years now and ever since I bought that bike it has been a dream of mine to take it all around the world with me and see all these wonderfull places while doing what I love the most: cycling. I started thinking about easy and cheap places to go, because my budget as a not working student isn't that big. I stumbled upon Lisbon, it's a place I'd never been before, the weather is great and I found some stunning hostels. So that was it, I decided I would go to Lisbon for 3 weeks with my bike. I still kept it to myself so I could first figure everything out and then bombard my parents with the news. I didn't tell anyone what I was planning but I was getting so excited to go to a new country all by myself and do something I'd never done before. I have solo traveled before, but taking a bike is something else (now writing this while my holiday is over, I can definitely confirm that). I just couldn't wait for the summer to start.

Summer 0013

It was right in that moment I realized I was only in love with the idea if you. I was sitting at the ocean with my eyes closed and like a movie the past couple of weeks flashed before my eyes. That voice, I can still hear it in my ears it's almost as if he is standing right next to me. He had this powerful voice filled with confidence which made me look up to him in a way I had never looked up to anyone before. He had this voice that would make you silent and only want to listen to him. I could never speak like that. I still remember the fist time I saw him. He had blonde curly hair that fell in front of his eyes and he didn't even bother to move it aside, he just let it be. He was skateboarding whilst holding a sigaret in one hand and keeping balance with the other. He wore this oversized pink t-shirt and green swimming trunks with yellow flowers on it. The colors totally clashed and I liked it for some reason that I can't really explain. When he busted me looking at him he showed me this subtle smile, almost saying he didn't care but cared just enough to let me see he noticed I was on the same square. After that I didn't see him for 3 whole days, I had almost forgotten about him. 

How to deal with weight gain after restriction

When you first start restricting calories, you think you have found the one solution to this long, ever lasting search for weight loss. When you really commit to the calorie restriction, you see results. Results you have been dreaming about for years. Those results start making you happy. They give you this rush, almost a high. They start to influence your happiness. They become part of your identity. Slowly they become the only reason for your happiness. Without the restriction you feel empty, lost and not yourself. You can't imagine a life without it. Giving it up sounds scary. It feels like that day will never come. But believe me, there will be a day where you can say you want to change, and really mean it. There will be a day where you are ready to stop. Where you're ready to heal. 

Once you made this decision the excitement kicks in. You're motivated and ready to change. You don't want the old behaviors anymore. You don't like them. They stop feeling like your identity, they stop feeling right. So you slowly start to eat more. Your body loves it. It notices that you're giving it the fuel that it needs to function like normal again. After you have been in a constant state of hunger your body needs a lot to make up for all that time it lost. It wants all those calories it had to miss. And preferably as fast as possible. So you start to eat, more, and more and more. You feel great. You have energy. You feel happy again. This cloudy fog falls away. You're you again. You're awake. Everything is great again. And you're still skinny. You start to wonder why you ever felt the need to restrict calories in the first place. "I was just being stupid back then. I can eat whatever I want, how much I want, and not gain weight. I can eat a normal diet, with the normal amount of calories a girl my age needs to survive, and not be fat."

A spontaneous trip to Berlin

Let me start by saying that it rained 80% of my time in Berlin. I know this shouldn't keep me from taking pictures, but sadly it did. So I have barely any shots of the things I was hoping to get. But here are a few. 

Berlin has my heart. Despite the rain it was one off the most beautiful cities I have ever visited. I thought of it as the most breathable city I could think of. No super busy, crowded dark streets. I almost forgot I was in a big world city.

I never feel the need to only really visit the very known and famous spots. I don't see what's so special about that. I enjoy discovering a new city and coming across special spots. One way or another you will pass all the famous places and still see them. I spent the first day wandering around the streets without a plan. Hopping on and of the metro. Surprised every time I stuck my head above the ground with what I would find. Of course in my time being there I passed some famous place, and I am glad I did. They were pretty epic. But I never did any research of this city before hopping on that plane. So my knowledge about what was famous and what not was pretty unknown to me. But I could always tell by the amount off tourists standing in one spot how touristy and famous something was.