Friday, March 09, 2018

My ethical and vegan struggles lately

Friday, March 09, 2018

I have been vegan for over 2 years now. When I decided to live this lifestyle I went 200% for it. I quit animal products overnight. Threw away all my unethical make-up and beauty products. Learned about the ethics when it comes to leather, wool, silk, ... I watched every documetary ever made about veganism, healty lifestyle, unethical fashion. You name it and I have probaly seen it. I felt so ready to take on this new adventure and passion for something bigger than myself, to save this planet and the vulnerable animals living on it with us. The only non vegan stuff I still owned were leather shoes and some wool sweaters and scarfs. That was it. I felt great! I was for the first time my life happy again and excited to live this life. The first year I was vegan I was mostly inspired by these picture perfect people I saw online. I felt like I needed a life like them to be truly happy. I didn't realize it back then, but now I see how I was just trying to be someone I saw online. They all seemed so happy and without any worris. Which btw if you think realistily you know no ones life is picture perfect. We all have shit in our life. It might have been wrong to try to make my life like theirs but in a way it really helped me to try and be the best vegan out there. I barely ate junk. Only fruits, vegetbles, rice, pasta and beans. I ate in abundance. Never worried about calories I never craved unhealthy packaged foods. I felt like a new person. Everything was just perfect. I also never felt the urge to buy leathers shoes or make-up tested on animals, because I had seen all these horrifying video's where they show what really goes on behind the scenes. I was repulsed by that. I never wanted to support that Industry ever again in my life. It made me sick to my stomach that people could support animals and human being abused like that. I never stepped into H&M or Zara ever again. 

Finally after hitting rock bottom when I was 18/19 I felt great again. I truly beleieve veganism saved me. I loved myself like I had never done before. I was proud of what I was doing for something that I believed in, even if my family around me was sometimes confused and didn't understand my passion. I understood it and that was important enough for me to continue with it. 

But without me really realizing it, I started to change my behaviour. And at first I didn't mind it because I knew I was coming from a restrictieve past and I needed to learn how to loosen up a little bit and not being so strikt about my diet. Because everybody deserves a treat. After that first year I met other vegans and started to eat out more, trying out all the vegan alternatives because I am curious like that. And before I knew it my taste buds were used to eating crap again. Never non vegan food ofcourse but I just lost my interest in the amazing whole foods I could eat. Instead I chose cornflakes, bread, fries, take-out chinese, ... The past year and a half I have been eating like shit. I still eat a lot of fruit and vegetblas, but as I am writing this I am munching on a whole bag of chips and this evening I will be eating croquettes... I am mean that tells it all I think. I don't feel alive like I used to do that first year. I feel honeslty really really bad. I drank a lot of alcohol last semester even though I really wanted to be healthy I was just sedused back into old habbits. I enjoy it whilst I am eating or drinking it but afterwords I regret it so much. And I hate the feeling of regret it reminds me of the time I would regret eating at all. And I never want to feel like that again. I loved the feeling of drinking a huge smootie to start my day, eating a big salad the size of my head at noon and end the day with a vegtable stew and some beans. I ate so much and never felt regret by the end of the day. Now I eat two meals a day and wish I had never eaten anything, beacaus it's not the right food and doesn't make me feel good.

The second part is the ethical lifestyle I was living. I quit fast fashion a 100% and started buying my clothes at Belgian fashion brands or thrift stores. I still do that to this day. But the only thing is I have lost my interest in really giving a shit. I bought leather shoes the other day. Something came over me where I just said: "Fuck it. I need these shoes, I love them to much I don't care if they aren't vegan." And I bought them. I love them. But is that really what matters? How pretty they are. No. It's not. I preach for an ethical lifestyle, and here I am buying leather shoes. I know people mess up, and I know it's not that bad, I will learn from this. But it's not so much the fact that I bought the shoes that bother me. It's just that I haven't felt the same passion about an ethical lifestyle lately as I had when I started this journey. It's not that it's not an interest of mine anymore. It's more that other things have taken over my mind and it almost seems like there is no more room left to care about this stuff. 

Also I want to point out that it's not wrong to eat junk vegan foods and drink alcohol or buy unethical fashion from time to time. It's just that I know deep down this is not what I really want. I don't want to live a life like that, so why I am I not changing that? That has been my personal frustration. 

I need to take a step back, reevaluate my life and start all over. This change won't happen overnight. I need to go back and look at how I was being vegan 2,5 years ago. And start doing that again. It was what made me feel so great in the first place. If I really want this to change it won't be so hard to comit to it. School was becoming to much for me and I think that is where I was falling back into my old habbits of not taking care of myself in the right way. But I can't let the happen again. I know now it can be different and life can be better so I crave that lifestyle agian. 

So here is what I will do tomorrow and after that to succes in my goals
- Sell my leather shoes and make a promise to myself I will never buy leather shoes ever again
- Make a food plan and stick to it
- Put all the junk food away, and only eat from it once a week maximum
- Eat enough calories of the right foods
- Go grocary shopping
- Go to a warm country and feel inspired by the fruit, cuisine, language, culture and lifestyle
- Do yoga once a day
- Go cycling
- Remind yourself of your values at least once a week
- Remind yourself what you want from life and why you stand up for these things
- Watch more documanteraies and get to know more about veganism


1 comment :

  1. Wat een leuke post Sofie! Ik herken mezelf wel hier in. Ik ben ook door periodes geweest waarin ik niet zo goed voor mezelf zorgde als ik wou. Je doelen zien er leuk uit! Veel succes ik geloof in je.


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