Saturday, October 08, 2016

Body dysmorphia disorder (BDD)

Saturday, October 08, 2016
Body dysmorphia is a mental disorder where you can't stop thinking about one or more perceived defects or flaws in your appearance - a flaw that, to others, is either minor or not observable. It is an anxiety disorder that causes you to have a disordered view of how you look. You intensely obsess and worry over your appearance and body image, repeatedly checking the mirror, grooming seeking reassurance, sometimes for many hours each day. This does not mean someone with BDD is a vain person. Your perceived flaw and the repetitive behaviors cause you significant distress and impact your ability to function in your daily life. You may resume many ways to fix your problem. 

Almost everyone feels unhappy about the way they look at some point in their life, but these thoughts come and go, and can be forgotten. However for someone with BDD, the thoughts are very distressing, do not go away and have an huge impact on the daily life. This person believes what they see is real and ugly. It takes over your mind.


Typical behavior is: constantly comparing their looks to others, spending a long time in front of a mirror, but at other times avoids it completely, concealing what they think is defect, feel anxious around other people, distressed about a particular area and their body, excessively exercise and diet,... etc.

Many people who have it, hide it. It' s  a disorder that not that not many people know about. Often when you have a low self esteem or really obsess over one part of your body, you feel very uncomfortable and almost ashamed to admit this, and talk about it. You feel like you are just like everybody else unshore about one part of your body, but it's only after a long period of time you realize it's more than that. For me I feel quite ashamed, because a small part of me knows I am telling this myself, nobody else is seeing what I am seeing. I don't want to come across as someone who makes the impression she is fishing for compliments. I am not that person. But when someone tells me I am very skinny. I immediately say, no I gained so much weight the last years, I am not skinny anymore. I make them feel like I want compliments, when in fact it's just stronger than myself. My stomach and thighs looks huge to me. I really feel fat. When I look at my naked body in the mirror all I see are the fatty parts. They stick out to me so much I can't see anything else. It scares me sometimes how much this can effect me. When I eat a lot I see myself 5 times the size I see myself when I ate little. Suddenly I look so fat. It's just my mind telling me that. And it's so frustrating. Why do I have this twisted view of myself? Why can't I just see myself as I am? It has been a year since I am vegan and my BDD doesn't effect my behavior as much as it used to. When I used to see myself as this huge person I wouldn't eat and tried to loose a lot off weight in an unhealthy amount of time.  I do link my BDD and eating disorder to each other. I have this wrong view and feeling of my body that influences my eating habits. Now I try to fight it, and don't act like I would want to. I still see myself as this huge person when I look in the mirror, I still see my fat tights and fat under my armpits, but I still eat as much as I need to because I learned that it's in my head and that I don't need to look super skinny to be pretty. One part of me knows that. But the other stupid part of my brain doesn't want to believe that and I think it's something I need to learn to accept and is something I will probably deal with a large part of my life.

It's not something you can see at me when you see me walking down the street, it' not something I tell people I know. Many of my friends don't even know I deal with this because I am that person that feels ashamed and keeps everything a secret. Mental problems aren't always visible on people but aren't therefore not serious, they do effect your life a lot. Now at 20 years old I can give this a place. But my 17 year old me felt so depressed and lost. I just couldn't understand why I always felt negative, down and ugly, I didn't understand that this was what was effecting my happiness. I thought about my weight and size all the time. I compared myself to every model and every pretty girl, weighted myself morning and evening, every mirror I passed I lifted up my shirt and looked at my stomach, checking if it was thinker or smaller. These aren't normal actions. When this behavior started I was much skinnier than now, I was underweight, but it was natural, I just couldn't gain weight easily. At one point in my life I just decided I was fat, and really saw myself that way. I still don't know why.

I don't weigh myself anymore. let's forget numbers, they don't mean anything. When I look in a mirror and see my fat body I just tell myself it's my head and try to think of something else. I don't want to think about my body 24/7, worrying about sizes. I try to think about the parts of my body that I love. Those are more important.


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