Tuesday, October 11, 2016

A french beret, s'il vous plaît

Tuesday, October 11, 2016

At some point, you have to make  a decision. Life is messy. That's how we're made. So you can waste your lives drawing lines. Or you can live your life crossing them. And right now I feel like I am crossing them. 

People do have scars in all sorts of unexpected places. Like secret road maps of their personal histories, diagrams of all their wounds, drawn all over them. You can see the scars of my past literally on my body, visible forever for everyone. But we also have those scars that aren't visible but will still effect you your whole life, positive or negative. As a newly twenty-something cliché here I am telling you I am crossing this line of self pity and leaving it behind. You're probably like what the hell.. What line? Well let me explain. For the last years my emotional and mental health has been all over the place and nowhere.. 
I kept falling back into this cycle of being sad, depressed and lost. But as I said before, at one point it's time to make decisions and choose change. Change... We don't like it, we actually often quite fear it. We either accept change or we get left behind. It sucks to grow.. anybody who tells you different is lying. I like sticking to the the feelings I know and trust. But here's the truth: Sometimes, oh, sometimes, change is good. Sometimes, change is.. everything. 

Since writing my BDD post I feel relieved, I have never told this story to anyone, ever. Not in person. Typing it and seeing the words appear on a screen is very therapeutic. I feel like I can leave this part behind and look forward. I still have it, I will probably still deal with this for a long time. But I feel like it's just some small part of me. I can deal with that. I can be happy and deal with this. I am very happy right now. When you keep something to yourself it builds itself up inside you and becomes such a big thing. I felt like exploding. Sending something so important and personal into the world for everyone to see made it possible for me to make the decision to change. It's not something I really did consciously, but has now happend and affected me in such a positive way. I crossed the line. I more and more get this "je m'en fous"content. And this beret symbolizes that for me or something... I don't know. Let's just say it does. It's out my comfort zone.. I have had this urge lately to dress how I want, I have felt this urge to not feel and dress boring. There is nothing more boring than being like everyone else. I threw away the skinny jeans and welcomed a beret, loose trousers, overall and plateau shoes into my life. Not long until the bright colored faux fur coat will join the family. Also I think it's time to dig in my old closet and take out all the clothes I was brave enough to buy but not so much to wear, and finally start wearing them. 
Feeling happy and confident isn't just something on the inside, you show it on the outside. I used to let the fact that loose pants make me feel fat effect me, yes, I still feel fat but more important I need to ask myself the question: Is this outfit cool, does it make me feel awesome and does not everybody walk around like this? Yes. Ok than I have to wear it. Am I there yet? No. I am working towards it? Yes. And for me that's change, crossing the line and taking scars with me in a positive way. So yes for me a french beret, s'il nous plaît. I will be rocking this all winter. 


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