Saturday, October 22, 2016

My top five books

Saturday, October 22, 2016

1. The catcher in the rye
Let's start with a cliché one, but probably also my all time number one. I can read this book over and over again, and it never gets old. The first time I read it, I enjoyed it, but every time I read it again, so much more becomes clear to me and you notice things you never did before. It's a novel that talks about teenage angst and rebellion. It tels a story of a sixteen year old boy who leaves his prep school in Pennsylvania to spend three days in New York City right before Christmas. He stays at a fancy hotel and is fascinated by the ducks in central park. When you read the book it's hard to believe the story is about a boy this age. He comes across much more mature. He has a way to seduce woman and loves a strong drink now and then. He overthinks everything and sees the world in a very negative way. He continually attempts to find his way in a world in which he feels he doesn’t belong. He uses his isolation as proof that he is better than everyone else around him. He never addresses his own emotions directly, nor does he attempt to discover the source of his troubles. He desperately needs human contact and love, but his protective wall of bitterness prevents him from looking for such interaction. I read this book when I felt quite out of place, misunderstood and lost myself. I felt like Holden understood me, of course the book is about stuff that I can't relate to in any way, but the moral of the story feels really familiar and relatable. The characters are one for one amazing, Everyone can find some recognizability with at least one character I find. Those are things that become more clear the more I read it. It's not only a book that tells this story but it's also a book that tells your story in a way. That is why I fell in love with it I think. I feel like the character/ writer get me. Highly recommend this one if you are around sixteen, and feel like growing up sucks and feel out of place in this world.

2. The hundred year old man who climbed out the window and disappeared 
Allan turns 100 in a nursing home. They are planning on throwing him a big birthday party. But Allan has other plans, he doesn't want to celebrate his birthday in here. He believes he is still to fit and well to be in a facility. So on the morning of his birthday he decides to escape through the window. In the bus station a young man asks him to watch a suitcase while he uses the bathroom. But when the young man is doing his thing, his bus arrives and he decides to steal the suitcase, not knowing what is on it and how much trouble this suitcase is going to get him in. It turned out the suitcase is filled with money from the mafia, who it belongs to, and they wants it back. When I saw this book in the bookshop and read the back I was immediately intrigued  it sounded like such an original story, and it is. It's written in diary from which makes it even better. It makes you feel like you are really in the story whilst reading it. When we get further into the story you get to know so much more about his earlier life. Which is quite ordinary to say the least. It's a real feel good book with a lot of unexpected twists and turns. One minute, he's attempting to dispose of a deep-frozen body in the dreamily chaotic present; the next, he's flashing back to a life in which his undying desire to blow things up saw him killing a neighbour as a child, becoming embroiled in both sides of the Spanish civil war as a young man and casually helping to invent the atom bomb as a fully grown destroyer of worlds. Also the book is written by a Swedish author which makes me for some odd reason appreciate this book even more. 

3. not that kind of girl
Lena dunham. Do I need to say more? She is the funniest writer. The book is autobiographical and tells her oh so ridiculous life. The way she articulates certain things, you can relate to her so much. She has done, said and thought so much dumb and embarrassing things in her life, with every page I was like "Yep, that's totally me.." The way she writes about puberty, vagina's, sex, body image and boys is something I believe only she can do. She is very accurate, but gives it such a funny twist. 

4. the undomestic goddess
Without a doubt I can say Sophie Kinsella is my all time favorite author. Tears stream down my face when I read her books. These aren't the kind of books you want to read if you want something educational or serious. This book is typical chic lit, but that doesn't mean it doesn't deserve appreciation. If you want a thrilling, unpredictable story this isn't the one for you. But if you want to laugh and read about a love story, this is the one for you. It's a story about Samantha Sweeting, an overworked lawyer that gets a meltdown, takes a train and ends up in the middle of nowhere. She knocks at the door of a house and they mistake her as someone who wants a job as a housekeeper. She get's the job. There is only one problem. she doesn't know anything about housekeeping, cooking, sewing,... She gets herself in these super hilarious, laugh out loud moments. And of course along the way she falls in love which makes everything even more complicated then it already was. It's not so much the story that I love, it's more the way it's written. Some statements and the funny and touching writing are just to funny. I recommend this one if you don't want to use your brain to much when you are reading. It's a predictable but never boring piece.

5. The old man and the sea
This famous story of Ernest Hemingway is about an elderly Cuban fisherman who, after an unsuccessful period, engaged in battle with a giant marlin he wants to win at all costs. It's a beautiful story that shows how determination can get you so far in life. If you believe in something and push through it can and will happen. Never give up. Pride and motivation can lead tgreatness. It's a very thin book that you can read in not even a day if you really push through. And that's what I love about it. It's fun to read a 600 page book. But this story is so little, and yet it's so powerful and covers so much from life. The boy get's told by his parents he can't work with the older man anymore because he hasn't caught any fish in 84 days. The the boy really cares about him and doesn't want to leave him. So he doesn't, he still helps the old man every day and they are great friends. Hemingway has a very unique way of writing stories, if you're into books I highly recommend to ever read one of his books. 


Tuesday, October 11, 2016

A french beret, s'il vous plaît

Tuesday, October 11, 2016

At some point, you have to make  a decision. Life is messy. That's how we're made. So you can waste your lives drawing lines. Or you can live your life crossing them. And right now I feel like I am crossing them. 

People do have scars in all sorts of unexpected places. Like secret road maps of their personal histories, diagrams of all their wounds, drawn all over them. You can see the scars of my past literally on my body, visible forever for everyone. But we also have those scars that aren't visible but will still effect you your whole life, positive or negative. As a newly twenty-something cliché here I am telling you I am crossing this line of self pity and leaving it behind. You're probably like what the hell.. What line? Well let me explain. For the last years my emotional and mental health has been all over the place and nowhere.. 
I kept falling back into this cycle of being sad, depressed and lost. But as I said before, at one point it's time to make decisions and choose change. Change... We don't like it, we actually often quite fear it. We either accept change or we get left behind. It sucks to grow.. anybody who tells you different is lying. I like sticking to the the feelings I know and trust. But here's the truth: Sometimes, oh, sometimes, change is good. Sometimes, change is.. everything. 

Since writing my BDD post I feel relieved, I have never told this story to anyone, ever. Not in person. Typing it and seeing the words appear on a screen is very therapeutic. I feel like I can leave this part behind and look forward. I still have it, I will probably still deal with this for a long time. But I feel like it's just some small part of me. I can deal with that. I can be happy and deal with this. I am very happy right now. When you keep something to yourself it builds itself up inside you and becomes such a big thing. I felt like exploding. Sending something so important and personal into the world for everyone to see made it possible for me to make the decision to change. It's not something I really did consciously, but has now happend and affected me in such a positive way. I crossed the line. I more and more get this "je m'en fous"content. And this beret symbolizes that for me or something... I don't know. Let's just say it does. It's out my comfort zone.. I have had this urge lately to dress how I want, I have felt this urge to not feel and dress boring. There is nothing more boring than being like everyone else. I threw away the skinny jeans and welcomed a beret, loose trousers, overall and plateau shoes into my life. Not long until the bright colored faux fur coat will join the family. Also I think it's time to dig in my old closet and take out all the clothes I was brave enough to buy but not so much to wear, and finally start wearing them. 
Feeling happy and confident isn't just something on the inside, you show it on the outside. I used to let the fact that loose pants make me feel fat effect me, yes, I still feel fat but more important I need to ask myself the question: Is this outfit cool, does it make me feel awesome and does not everybody walk around like this? Yes. Ok than I have to wear it. Am I there yet? No. I am working towards it? Yes. And for me that's change, crossing the line and taking scars with me in a positive way. So yes for me a french beret, s'il nous plaît. I will be rocking this all winter. 


Monday, October 10, 2016

Saturday, October 08, 2016

Body dysmorphia disorder (BDD)

Saturday, October 08, 2016
Body dysmorphia is a mental disorder where you can't stop thinking about one or more perceived defects or flaws in your appearance - a flaw that, to others, is either minor or not observable. It is an anxiety disorder that causes you to have a disordered view of how you look. You intensely obsess and worry over your appearance and body image, repeatedly checking the mirror, grooming seeking reassurance, sometimes for many hours each day. This does not mean someone with BDD is a vain person. Your perceived flaw and the repetitive behaviors cause you significant distress and impact your ability to function in your daily life. You may resume many ways to fix your problem. 

Almost everyone feels unhappy about the way they look at some point in their life, but these thoughts come and go, and can be forgotten. However for someone with BDD, the thoughts are very distressing, do not go away and have an huge impact on the daily life. This person believes what they see is real and ugly. It takes over your mind.

Typical behavior is: constantly comparing their looks to others, spending a long time in front of a mirror, but at other times avoids it completely, concealing what they think is defect, feel anxious around other people, distressed about a particular area and their body, excessively exercise and diet,... etc.

Many people who have it, hide it. It' s  a disorder that not that not many people know about. Often when you have a low self esteem or really obsess over one part of your body, you feel very uncomfortable and almost ashamed to admit this, and talk about it. You feel like you are just like everybody else unshore about one part of your body, but it's only after a long period of time you realize it's more than that. For me I feel quite ashamed, because a small part of me knows I am telling this myself, nobody else is seeing what I am seeing. I don't want to come across as someone who makes the impression she is fishing for compliments. I am not that person. But when someone tells me I am very skinny. I immediately say, no I gained so much weight the last years, I am not skinny anymore. I make them feel like I want compliments, when in fact it's just stronger than myself. My stomach and thighs looks huge to me. I really feel fat. When I look at my naked body in the mirror all I see are the fatty parts. They stick out to me so much I can't see anything else. It scares me sometimes how much this can effect me. When I eat a lot I see myself 5 times the size I see myself when I ate little. Suddenly I look so fat. It's just my mind telling me that. And it's so frustrating. Why do I have this twisted view of myself? Why can't I just see myself as I am? It has been a year since I am vegan and my BDD doesn't effect my behavior as much as it used to. When I used to see myself as this huge person I wouldn't eat and tried to loose a lot off weight in an unhealthy amount of time.  I do link my BDD and eating disorder to each other. I have this wrong view and feeling of my body that influences my eating habits. Now I try to fight it, and don't act like I would want to. I still see myself as this huge person when I look in the mirror, I still see my fat tights and fat under my armpits, but I still eat as much as I need to because I learned that it's in my head and that I don't need to look super skinny to be pretty. One part of me knows that. But the other stupid part of my brain doesn't want to believe that and I think it's something I need to learn to accept and is something I will probably deal with a large part of my life.

It's not something you can see at me when you see me walking down the street, it' not something I tell people I know. Many of my friends don't even know I deal with this because I am that person that feels ashamed and keeps everything a secret. Mental problems aren't always visible on people but aren't therefore not serious, they do effect your life a lot. Now at 20 years old I can give this a place. But my 17 year old me felt so depressed and lost. I just couldn't understand why I always felt negative, down and ugly, I didn't understand that this was what was effecting my happiness. I thought about my weight and size all the time. I compared myself to every model and every pretty girl, weighted myself morning and evening, every mirror I passed I lifted up my shirt and looked at my stomach, checking if it was thinker or smaller. These aren't normal actions. When this behavior started I was much skinnier than now, I was underweight, but it was natural, I just couldn't gain weight easily. At one point in my life I just decided I was fat, and really saw myself that way. I still don't know why.

I don't weigh myself anymore. let's forget numbers, they don't mean anything. When I look in a mirror and see my fat body I just tell myself it's my head and try to think of something else. I don't want to think about my body 24/7, worrying about sizes. I try to think about the parts of my body that I love. Those are more important.


Friday, October 07, 2016

My faux fur friend

Friday, October 07, 2016

“What the hell is that?” I laughed.
“It’s my fox hat.”
“Your fox hat?”
“Yeah, Pudge. My fox hat.”
“Why are you wearing your fox hat?” I asked.
“Because no one can catch the motherfucking fox.”

Coat - Essentiel / Sweater - G Start / Jeans - Zara / Shoes - H by Hudson / Bag - Bellerose

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